#35 - How my autism doesn’t always help me - and how it does

As I mentioned before, I’m not wired like most people. I have a neurodivergent brain. Literally, that means that the connections in my brain are not the same as with most of the people. Just different. Now, that’s not a big deal to me, It’s how I am. Since the day I was born. I’ve never known it differently. It’s part of who I am.

That being said, I feel I should explain some things. First of all, I was diagnosed rather late in life. During my first burnout, I started wondering if I might be on the spectrum after reading an article in a magazine. I just recognized too much of the testimony in it. And as it turned out, I am on the spectrum. I had been for over 30 years without knowing, and from that day on, I knew. That’s the only thing that changed on the day of my diagnosis. I didn’t change, the label did. While having that label did not change much for me, it did help me to understand how my brain works. It did explain some stuff from my past, and it helped me to predict a little better what could happen in certain situations.

Now that’s where my neurodivergent brain doesn’t always help me. For starters, it constantly pushes me. By dreaming big. By challenging me to keep going further, faster, harder,… If it were as simple as just being able to hold back a little, I would not be as likely to burn out. I would not be aiming too high so often. But equally true, I wouldn’t be able to achieve what I am achieving today. There’s always this unbalance between my brain and my abilities. While it sometimes makes me crash in a way, it’s also what keeps me pushing. Just to finish what I’m doing. It can take me in to a state of mind where I just fight. And keep on fighting until I reach my goal.

Over the past weeks, I experienced some pretty heavy moments because of that unbalance. I set of to ride my first tour, all geared up for camping in basic conditions. My mind was all set to experience this way of bikepacking. I was convinced I was ready to do that. What I hadn’t taken in account, was that if my brain gets in a downward spiral, It can be pretty hard to change that, especially outside of my comfort zone. Change is always difficult for me. So are unexpected situations. That resulted in some pretty distressed phonecalls to my wife during that first tour. She listened. She gave me comfort. She helped me organize my thoughts. I couldn’t have gotten through those moments without her support. Or at least, It would have taken much longer for me to calm down again.

That’s why I took a step back. I took looking for a new place to camp every day, out of the equation, and replaced it with my van as a basecamp. One fixed location I could return to every night. A solid foundation to build a tour on. a home away from home, more then moving around every day. Riding loops to and from that one place. Still riding impressive daily rides. Still challenging myself fysically. Still exploring new territory. And still working on my health along the way. Of course the hot weather kept me from setting new records. Except maybe for the most water I drank in a single day. Oh my god, I drank a lot. In hind sight, it must have been over 7 liters one day.

… Read more below video

This all adds up to where I stand today. And that’s a lot further than I could have imagined in Januari this year. Because I started this journey only eight months ago. Then, I could hardly walk for a couple of hours. By now, I had a 174 km ride in a single day. Back then, I weighed around 20 Kg more then today. At my heaviest, that’s even about 50 kg difference. Back then, my blood glucose was on the wrong side of the scale by some margine. Today, it’s pretty much perfect for the past couple of months already. In Januari, I would never have believed I could have reached so many goals by now. Some bigger and some smaller, but goals none the less. Achievements, all in their own merit. And while my achievements may not always follow the same path a my dreams and plans, they do get me to a much better health day after day. And it’s my neurodivergency that made me reach those goals. It’s what helped me go further then what the medical professionals saw as realistic.
I have my diabetes under controle in under 6 months, while the doctor told me that may have been possible in a couple of years.
I lost those 20 kilo’s, getting me in a much healthier situation.
I don’t have to take pain medication any more for my hernias. The doctor even said she never saw a turnaround this quick. While the only option she could offer in the beginning was operating, just over a month later, she wiped that of the table. The hernia was still there, but the negative effects were pretty much gone. Today, it just acts up a little from time to time, but nothing more then some slight discomfort.
I had two big wakeupcalls in Januari, and Immediately my brain switched to “let’s fight this shit” mode. Through changing my diet and working out, I reached those goals. And while I will have set backs because of the autism, it will also keep me fighting. Because like diabetes, the autism never goes away. Once diagnosed, you have the condition for life. And that’s fine by me.