#24 - a reality check

I was expecting this to come. No progress of the dimensions I had over the past half year, comes without a struggle. Change takes time. Just deciding you want things different in life, and you are willing to work for that change, doesn’t mean they have changed already. Sometimes it’s your body that holds you back. Sometimes the head can’t follow. In times like these, it’s important to realize that giving it some time doesn’t mean you failed. Having days where you just don’t feel up to the change is ok. It’s part of the process. Then, it’s important to take a step back and look at what you already achieved.

Over the past months, years even, I evolved on a scale I couldn’t even imagine. I came from a serious burn-out. It’s the second time that happened to me. Or maybe I should say it’s the second time I let it happen to me. As a person on the autism spectrum, I experience daily life in a different way. I have to conquer challenges that neurotypical people often don’t even know exist. It’s part of my daily life, to make sure I make it to the end of the day in a more or less sane way. I’m not complaining here. I’m just telling you about my reality.
Those challenges demand a huge amount of energy. And when I stay in an environment that demands too much of me, even just to cope with it, that can lead to situations like this burn-out. The batteries are empty. The engine is still running, but there’s almost no power output. Since the diagnosis, I have made some serious changes. I had been in a couple of situations that required me to be on the edge every day. Situations that required too much of me. Some I had created myself, others were just going on for too long. But they have been solved, and they are behind me now. It’s been a struggle, but that change has been made. Knowing my aversion for change as a neurodivergent person, that’s an accomplishment in itself. And I’m proud of it.

The snails in my garden just seemed appropriate for the slower then hoped progress

On top of the burn-out, I changed my life even further. I mentioned a couple of times I wasn’t anywhere near a physical workout for more than a quarter of a century. Early January, I was tired after a 5 km walk. Last week, I rode 134 km on my trike. Again, that’s something I’m really proud of. It’s something I just couldn’t imagine doing today, no more than half a year ago.
Every time I go for a ride, I’m looking for some improvement. I believe my autism needs that. I believe it makes me look for progress. Want that progress. I just can’t fail. Because if I fail, people will see the failure not me. That feeling may be wrong, but it’s there.

Of course I know I have plenty of people around me who see beyond that. My wife, my family, the people I consider to be my real friends. They all understand that life comes with failures. Big and small. They know me. They know who I am. And they keep telling me it’s allright to fail. Fail and learn. Fail and get up again. They all allow me to fail. It’s just me, who doesn’t allow me to fail. I don’t like the feeling, maybe even less than neurotypical people. But I don’t know, I can’t compare. I just know that

failing can lead to blocking. It can be the reason I don’t function as I should. That’s why I have accepted failure in my life. But that’s something new for me. It doesn’t mean I didn’t fail before. Rest asured, there’s plenty of proof in my past to state the contrary. I just mean I try to accept the fact that there will be setbacks. There will be things that don’t work from the first try. Things I may even never be able to do.

At the same time, I’m trying to learn that a set back is not the same as failure. It’s something that didn’t go as well as planed. Or as well as I hoped. And it’s part of the process of change. Not every day is great. Not every goal is within reach. Definately not without growth. And growing towards a goal also means taking a step back from time to time. Evaluate those goals, and their merit.
My goals are still pretty far fetched. As a person with autism, It’s just not in my personality to pick goals that are already on the ground in front of my feet. Maybe because I always felt like I had to prove myself. I’m not sure. But while making progress over the past months, and feeling the possibility of real change within my reach, that only made me want it more. Bigger even than before. I still don’t feel my goals are out of reach. But they will take longer than I like to accept. At the same time, I know I have to accept that to prevent problems. I’m still going forward, and I’m still feeling great of where it got me in such a short time. And yes. I do feel I have made a great start turning my life around.
I just have to take a little more time to keep making progress.
The goals are still the same.
Loosing weight.
Dropping my bloodsugar values.
Touring around parts of Europe.
Riding the BRM’s.

They will just take a little longer, because
I can.
I will.